Launched recently by fellow Bristolian Chris Price, Project Yourself celebrates the ‘hack culture’ – modifying objects to create a whole new use for them. Like gluing a cheese grater to your iPad but with less chance of getting yourself institutionalised.

Included on the Project Yourself website are instructions on creating your very own shoe box projector along with tips to make sure you get the most from your cardboard picture house. You won’t even need to pay £5.75 for popcorn and you definitely won’t have to watch anything with Matthew McConaughey in.

Obviously your new little box of tricks isn’t going to lead to the closure of any major Electronics retailers – mostly because there aren’t any left. But as things that a shoe box can do – after storing shoes, this is a cracking little project and it’s great fun to create your own slide show of holiday pics, or pictures of cats, or if you run out of pictures you can mock Siri for being stuck in a box. Take that Siri you square.

Project Yourself founder Chris has been dropping his little projectors around Bristol with little guides for people to find, to see where he’s been so far check out the Project Yourself website or keep up to date on Twitter. Projector drops so far taking place in Boston Tea Party on Park Street, Staffords Laundrette on North Street and that new shop selling the iPads with attached cheese graters…(that’s a lie).

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Two gentlemen are having a nice sit down meal when one decides to demonstrate how animals eat their food. Doesn’t sound funny. But it is.

Image: Pedro Szekely

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£B. Clean. Untraceable. The perfect crime.

Usually used to purchase fresh sausages from a local market stall, or perhaps a  loaf of sour dough from an independent bakery, the recently launched Bristol Pound has recently found a more sinister and worrying use.

Due to the un-trackable nature of the currency, it has become a favourite for drug dealers to guarantee a safe business transaction. In-fact, unlike cash, Bristol Pounds are technically classed as a ‘voucher of currency’ making it very hard for law enforcement agencies to confiscate.

Once a deal has taken place, the criminal in question can then swap the vouchers at their local bank for completely clean banknotes. A completely legitimate break in the process, effectively legal money laundering.

“Supporting Independent Businesses”

Infact the TEXT2PAY service, which users can adopt via a phone, completely bypasses the need for physical cash at all, and remains completely separate from other more regulated methods such as PayPal or Bitcoins.

With over £140,000 worth of B£ in circulation, there is an ever expanding demand for this ‘ghost money’ with drug dealers as far as Yate coming into coming into contact with it.

Bristol Mayor George Ferguson was even reported to have taken his salary in £B which is a lot of foccachia bread in anyone’s books. But with prominent public figures using the currency in this way, there is no suspicions raised when other large amounts are presented to the bank. Motive and means.

You can even see a deal taking place within the opening seconds of the Bristol Pound promotional video…

Did you see it? The man on the bike? It’s as easy as that. Untraceable.

I’m not saying that was an actual deal, but it could have been. Just like that. Make up your own mind.

What started as a popular way of stimulating local economy has transformed into a network of crime. The only foreseeable way to stop these kind of transactions as in favour by all major creditors is to break up the large quantities of cash into smaller transactions, breaking the cycle. In effect buying more local items in small quantities as the £B was originally intended.

Buy more independently produced coffee, sausages, arts and crafts or whatever takes your fancy now, before its too late.

Image: Samantha Bell

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All this disappointment unless of course you have achieved your personal childhood dream job, in which case go away and close the door on the way out. For those underachievers, i.e. you, is it such a bad thing you missed out on space cadets?

My personal childhood dream job was to be Hulk Hogan! Because when you are a child, being a person, or an animal, feeling, weather or anything else are categorised as ‘jobs’. But wrestling was for me; tiny short, excessive grimacing, feigned physical pain – now there’s a dream you can invest in. However it does seem that most other kids dreams were at least sort of achievable… and also less susceptible to cases of copyright infringement/identity theft.

According to an online study the most popular dream jobs for kids were…

Professional and/or Olympic athlete (8.2%)

As many marketing campaigns would let you believe, this is easily achievable task. You just need to film a montage running round an urban area in a beanie with some chunky headphones and a bit of practice. That’s it. Practice and a whole bunch of isotonic sports drinks that turn your pee a funny colour. It’s almost fun! Fun you hit 18 and taste your first beer. It gives you that clarity of thought…

People say it takes ten thousand hours to achieve a professional level of sport. Even if you work 12 hour days that’s 833 days. Over 2 years of nothing but practicing the same thing. And when in that time do you get to drink beer?…

Aeroplane or Helicopter Pilot (6.8%)

Well I am not sure this 6.8% ever played the 1995 gaming classic Flight Simulator for Windows 95. The realisation that this game was shockingly accurate pretty much dispelled most dreams of becoming a pilot. Even aviation themed blockbusters such as Con Air and Snakes on a Plane aren’t going to change how mind numbing a 12 hour cross Atlantic journey on an airbus A380 is.

Waking up in a sleazy Motel in Delaware with a Twinkie stuck to your cheek… Or the UK equivalent: waking up in a Luton Premier Inn with and tripping over a Corby trouser press. Probably experiencing some sub-standard customer service when checking out. Probably still saying thank you.

Scientist (6.8%)

Who’s surprised?! Explosions and ground breaking discoveries, laboratories filled with monkeys learning to shoot guns and plasma screen TV’s with stands of DNA winding away like a… very important screensaver? Then slowly they introduce the paperwork. Reams and reams of hypothesis and statistics. Can we burn things now….hmm the hypothesis says no, you can put the Bunsen burner away now, we won’t need that again. Ever. Budget cuts and all.

Lawyer (5.9%)

Maybe I went to an under privileged school but I literally didn’t know anyone who wanted to be a lawyer. The list was shaping up nicely, but lawyer?! Why on earth would a child have the foresight to decide that he or she wanted to spend tens of hours poring over case studies in the hope of getting Hugh Grant off of another speeding ticket?

I think I know why lawyer has made the list. Again, American movies. Lawyers in films are normally the physical embodiment of bad parenting. Missing little Jimmy’s big ball game because they were working so hard on a case for their career. Sound familiar? Well, the films all end with the Lawyer throwing in the towel to spend more time with the family. Eurgh. Ergo, kids want to be good parents. Sickening. Someone get this poor kid a copy of Flight Simulator.

Astronaut (5%)

Even as an adult I don’t know how to become an astronaut. Besides on average only 23 people a year manage to go to space. You have statistically a better chance of winning the Gadget show competition! Ok so I made that up…but it sounds about right. Astronauts also have the uncanny habit of dying in a ball of flames.  In fact according to much disputed stats the death rate is 7.5%. Let’s all encourage our kids to aspire to choose a profession in which they may perish! Yaaaay!

That was awfully macabre. But as is the harsh reality of the current job market, and that’s the real message here kids. Shoot for the moon, not literally – Space is not a safe working environment for children as we have already established.

Any word on that printer toner?

Images: Loomingy1, John McKeon, Kristian Mollenborg

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Although not strictly a viable option for the family runaround, the converted pick up does at least demonstrate the viability of alternate resources and probably smells quite nice.

It all works by converting the coffee beans (and other waste materials) into a gas mixture and then some other chemistry magic. Sorry that was a bit of a cop out. But it does work, and it set a speed record for vehicles in its class. I’m not sure what else is in it’s class, I can only assume a Mondeo that runs on a mixture of cherryade and party rings, or a Fiat Multipla that requires a constant supply of roast parsnips.

The ‘Bean Machine’ will be stopping by on it’s 1600 mile tour of the UK at the Broadmead Lane Cooperative in Keynsham on Sunday morning at 10 – with the Discovery Channel in tow if you want to check it out.

Photos courtesy of Martin Bacon. Find our more about the Cooperative coffee powered car on http://coffeecar.org/

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Well stop crying, firstly astronauts can’t cry in zero G and it’s no good for your training. Why stick to coffee though? Over 400 billion cups are consumed each year but there’s a whole new world out there. Good old uncle caffeine is here to massage your irregularly beating heart just enough to get that spreadsheet finished. Well, not finished, it was already finished, but you sort of broke it and you now have to fix it. Idiot.

If people can eat it, drink it, or smear it across their foreheads, then at some point, someone has tried to put caffeine in it. And I’ve probably bought it, for research obviously.

After extensive research I bring you: unjustifiable alternatives to coffee…

Water Joe

Keeping it simple, ‘Water Joe‘, the water with added caffeine. Presumably for those who like to replenish to eye twitching levels of motivation in relative secrecy. I have had the misfortune of trying Water Joe’s, purely for research purposes, definitely not by mistake. The website states that it’s odourless and tasteless, which is either a massive porkie, or my taste-buds are superhumanly sensitive. I’m flattered.

The only resemblance to this and water is the transparency. It tastes like molten clingfilm. Moving on then…

Alpecin - Caffeine Shampoo

You may have even seen this advert on your telly box. Shampoo, the stuff we use to clean our hair, to rid ourselves of the grubbyness and greasiness caused in part by our commute to work through the smog. I mention this because Alpecin is marketed like car engine oil. Drawing comparisons between your hair follicles and a V8 engine is apparently makes marketing sense.

Alpecin’s USP is caffeine. Presumably to make your hair grow – FAST. Faster than other slow shampoos with smaller engines. Pah! Laugh in the face of lesser haired individuals. Fed up with making up scientific sounding ingredients with clever names. Alpecin have gone back to basics. Pick an ingredient that people recognise… Jam? No, too sticky, not jam try again. Caffeine? Yes perfect.

Perky Jerky

No it’s not a character from a 1920′s cartoon, it’s beef jerky coated in teriyaki-pepper flavouring with the added boost of guarana. I’m really not sure who this appeals to, sleepy jerky fanatics? If you are a rather tired mountain ranger then you are in luck my friend. Fill your boots. For the rest of us, I can’t imagine whipping this out in the office. Plus it does kinda look like a condom packet. There’s that too.

I’m not really sure I’ve presented any viable options, but then if you are seriously contemplating anything other than coffee then you must be on the edge. And there’s an app for that too! Just enter your preferred energy product into the Death by Caffeine Calculator and it will tell you how much you will need to consume to end it all!

400 Billion cups a year of coffee – I can see why…

Perky Jerky Image: Jeff Sass

Water Joe Image: Ranti

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Personally, I believe that skiing holidays are the product of years of Darwinian selection within the four walls of Thomas Cook. Years must have past since badminton holidays and curling holidays died out. Now only skiing and beach sitting holidays are left. I get restless on beaches, so off I went. Below be my summary of the joys of skiing.

Irresponsibility is my favourite activity

If you also like invalidating your own insurance, then you are in for a treat. Marred by the small print in our insurance booklet prohibiting us from the now legitimate Olympic sport of “planking”, we instead sought comfort in complimentary shots of the local spirit of choice… At lunch… Most days. Brits on tour and all that. It relaxes the muscles we were assured.  It also invalidated your insurance. Already congealed in deep heat, the only thing it really relaxed was my sense of rationality and aversion to personal injury.

It’s probably a traditional drink, they’d probably be offended if I didn’t drink – Oh, they’re laughing…

Shiny Things to Spout on Social Networks

I did also manage to capture some great cover photo fodder and a few nice little videos, the following of which I am particularly proud and I believe has the potential to gain more views than even my sandwich unboxing video, maybe.

You like Party Games Too?

The week culminated in an impromptu game of charades in the local shop. After what I can only describe as ‘rough handling’ of my suitcase, leaving it as in tact as Lance Armstrong’s motivational speaking career. Off I toddled to the local shop to buy some tape and make sure the thing didn’t explode spraying an unsuspecting baggage handler with sweaty thermal socks and the thick stench of deep heat.

The local vendor inevitably spoke no English (as is obviously his right as a Bulgarian living in a small mountain village). Luckily, my charades skills didn’t let me down. First placing my palms together to indicate adhesion I was misinterpreted and presented with a notebook. Then by pulling them slowly apart like they were held with some imaginary glue, I was presented with – well, some real glue. Finally, by having an all out body spasm, weeping and acting out the third act of a Midsummer Night’s Dream, our good friend reached for the duct tape! He then proceeded to charge me twice the price on the label – a price I feel that was probably justified as compensation for any warding off potential customers with my display of experimental interpretive dancing.

Jobs a good’un

And that was my week skiing and eating roasted vegetables and pasta pudding for breakfast. Sound fun?

Image: Spins & Needles

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Although horse meat in burgers is obviously a fairly serious offence, the media backlash has been one of those of maelstroms saved for special occasions. A tasty tasty maelstrom.

This utter fixation of ‘starting-gate’ as I have now coined it, has lead to almost a full weeks worth of ‘stock image burger munchers’ adorning front pages. One of them, on the front of the Metro, was clearly a Big Mac. But my hatred of  awkward stock images can be saved for another day.

Tasty Discrimination

And through all the outrage, the late night radio phone-ins I have not listened to yet assume exist, the plethora of puns, I can’t help but think that cows have got a raw deal.

 Poor cows.

Cows are in effect, walking meals. To be honest, when I look at a cow, I see one of those diagrams you get on steak house menu’s with the dotted lines telling you which cut of beef is which.

But horses, glorious graceful horses. Who would want to eat a horse? Well, according to Google’s autofill – You lot:

Oh horse meat, eww, no, not I, no way… How much is it?

Image: Kenjonbro

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As well as sufficing as ample pun fodder for reviewers, Splash served as a reminder to us all that TV is all about the ratings. Twitter was in outrage, Facebook was a scene of mild annoyance and Instagrammers we’re too busy taking pictures of ham.

The show combines freak show levels of curiosity with a gaggle of book deal hunting celebrities and most importantly; just enough of a promise of televised physical injury.

It was abuse of the Olympic hangover to monumental effect, and it was so painful it was numbing.

(You might as well skip to 1:15)

This was celebrity ‘out of their comfort zone’ TV, of which there are many types; dancing, ice skating, sitting in a house and most infamously: pleasuring a pig. But out of all the programmes, Splash! has managed to capture the twisted imagination of a nation.

We love to watch this car crash TV, not because we are emotionally invested in the journeys of the celebrities taking part, but because of the teasing probability – if not inevitability – of failure.

We all know that the British crave failure, god knows I do, and we also love to mock celebrities. I have tried to combine these winning attributes to bring you a list that I can modestly say, will change the way we think about reality TV shows forever.

3. Celebrity Marlin Fishing

Fishing is the number one participation sport in the UK. I’m sure that stat is buoyed by the fact that some people fish not to starve, but nevertheless you are appealing to a large chunk of the worlds population.

I also have it on good authority that the real popular sports are dogging and stabbing but I think they’ve both been done to death to be honest.

 Thanks for that, ‘truth bringer’…

Celebrity marlin fishing does what it says on the tin – teams of marlin go head to head to catch the most celebrities they can. Reel promise this one.

2. A Close Shave!

Everyone loves a silly Movember moustache. Which brings me abrasively to my latest incarnation: ‘A Close Shave!’ A team of celebrities each grows a beard (providing a lovely montage opportunity.) The grand finale of the show being a shave-off in front of a live studio audience.

But here comes the twist. Each celebrity is given an electric shaver with only a small amount of charge and they must race against the clock before the power runs out. If your electric shaver has ever started to cut out mid shave when you are late for work, you will understand just how intense this competition will be. Blood, Sweat and… Unsavoury rashes?

1. Sorry I think You’re in My Seat

And finally, ‘Sorry I think You’re in My Seat’, a series of socially awkward challenges recorded in secret as celebrities go about their everyday lives. E.g. everyones in a queue in Tesco and someone doesn’t realise there’s a queue and its very awkward and its up to the celebrity to point out that there is a queue and restore the peace. Phew.

Other challenges include the classic ‘there’s someone in my pre-booked train seat’ and the ever popular ‘you’ve got something on your face but I’ve missed the opportunity to tell you.’

Until some of my own ‘interesting’ ideas are put into production, we’ll just have to stick with splash for now, unless you have any ideas?

Main Image: Marianne Bevis

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How can we tell whether the ‘Olympic Legacy’ was successful and we inspired a new generation? The sensible way would probably be the Team GB performance in Rio. That’s quite a while away.

Cue 4 years of painful speculation.

What does Olympic Legacy mean for you? Discounted gym membership? Not likely. I’m waiting for Burger King to release the Olympic Legacy Meal. Filled with promise and delicious (onion) rings, but ultimately idolised by a generation of chubby funsters.

Gangnam Style 2.0?

K-Pop hall of famer Psy and his now iconic horse riding dance gave us the song of 2012. Inevitably there will be more. Which gives me a perfectly good excuse to introduce you to everyone’s favourite incarcerated and jump-suited dance troupe;  the CPDRC Inmates:

A Year of Bad Luck?

Are you superstitious  Well you should be, life is so much more dramatic when you are in a state of perpetual fear. You’re in luck, it’s 2013. Fear all year.

Me, I don’t believe in luck unless someone beats me at something, then they must have been very lucky indeed.

Have a good 2013 everyone!

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